My Journey to the Mommy Club: Revelations Through Ultrasounds

Hubbz gets out of the car. He’s chipper this morning. Kind of a little too chipper for me. I like to take mornings slow and quiet because me and mornings have a very shaky relationship. Mornings and I don’t really love each other to put it nicely. I need to ease into mornings most days. I am a lay in bed, burrow deeper under the covers and hit snooze 73 times, then get up, only to fall asleep again in the shower standing up, kind of girl. Hubbz, well Hubbz on the other hand enjoys mornings. He’s a jump right out of bed and into the shower kind of guy. It (not so) secretly kind of annoys me. This morning I find him endearing though. He’s excited because it is ultrasound day. Today we see how big the egg follicles are getting. I am certain if I wasn’t on the receiving end of this ultrasound I would be excited too… Instead I go through the steps to prepare myself. 7:30am is a little too early for the cold goo and probing that is about to ensue. I sit for a moment and push the sadness and devastation of last month out of my mind. Here’s to a fresh start.

The nurse calls us back and the usual drill takes place. Strip down, up on the table, feet in the stirrups, wait for the nurse. I look over at Hubbz because right about now I need some reassurance. He gives me his best “You got this, Babe” as the nurse walks in, same nurse as last month. She remembers us and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. “Honey, do try and relax” she tells me… This is when I come unglued in my mind… RELAX?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE LADY?! YOU ARE TELLING ME TO RELAX?! Instead of telling her my thoughts, I smile sweetly at the nurse because my mom always said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut!” (See Ma, all those years you thought I wasn’t listening...)

I look up on the monitor and see the follicles that hold the eggs. Last month when this happened, I cried. I cried because I was amazed. I cried because my body was doing its job. I cried because God was answering our prayers. I cried because I have hope that one day I will look up at that monotor and see our baby. Last month the eggs measured AMAZING. The nurse begins to measure this month. 12mm and 15mm. I feel the lump in the throat begin to form. My heart begins to literally ache. The ultrasound is over and the nurse leaves. I look over at Hubbz and the tears fall and there is nothing I can do to stop them. He looks at me bewildered. “Honey, what is wrong!?” “The eggs! The eggs aren’t big enough. They aren’t measuring big enough! They are supposed to measure at least 18mm. They aren’t measuring big enough!” He tries to reassure me as I get dressed. I am already in my head- I am telling God I am done. I am done with His process, I am done having hope in Him. I am done with His plan. We leave the office and I slump into the front seat of the car. Hubbz grabs my hand and begins to pray. This man and his faith astonish me because he refuses to let me be disheartened.

I open my eyes as we are getting off the highway. I look up and I see the most beautiful pink and blue bubblegum sky. I hear God whisper in my heart “I painted that just for you.” Fitting colors. Well played, God. Then it’s my turn to pray. “By the way, sorry I was a jerk, God. Please forgive my humanity and how easy it is for me to stop trusting you. You know my heart God. You know that I trust you. Thank you for all of the blessings you give me that I never in a million years deserve. Thank you for this process even though I don’t entirely understand why it’s our journey. Thank you for Hubbz and his steadfast love and valiant heart. I trust your timing about everything and I trust that you will bless us with a family if it is your will and when it is your time. Help me wait, God. More than that, God, help me wait well.”

By the time Hubbz gets to my office to drop me off I am in a better frame of mind. I have peace. Mid-day, my phone rings. It’s the doctor’s office to talk about the results. I answer expecting the bad news and am surprised when the nurse tells me everything looks great. “I’m sorry, what?” I respond totally confused. I explain to her the numbers aren’t what they are supposed to be and she reminds me that the follicles grow 1-3mm daily and by the time I ovulate they are on track to be perfect again this month. I hang up the phone and I sit for a moment. I put my head in my hands and I beg the Creator of the Universe for forgiveness because I am a huuuuuge jerk-face. I am reminded that when I lean on my own understanding I am definitely not doing myself or anyone around me any good. I am reminded that He is God. I am reminded that he does far exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine. I am reminded that sometimes the piece of the pie that we think we see is not at all the whole pie. I am reminded that sometimes all the time our own understanding is no match for the one true God.

I am in awe.

For the first time in our fertility journey I am truly embracing it. I am giggling at all the things I think I know, that God must just be shaking his head at me about.

Through this journey I am falling in love with my body and all of the incredible things it can do.

Through this journey I am falling deeper in love with my husband and his loyal, faithful, valiant, unwavering love.

Through this journey I am falling in love with God, the God that loves my soul, and his timing that is more perfect than I can ever dream.

Through this journey I am thankful for the new friendships that have been sparked. I am thankful for the women I have met or reconnected with that I never could have shared any of this with, had it not been for this journey.

Through this journey I am thankful for the things I am learning about this vessel God has given me to do life in. I am in awe of this body he has created and the incredible things it can do.

Through this journey I am thankful for the lessons and revelations God is revealing. This path has enriched my life in so many life-changing ways. The very breath of my life is so much richer because of these experiences.

For the first time I am so thankful for this journey and I would not in a million years want it to be any other way. The lessons and the revelations God has given me have far outweighed any sadness I have felt.  Through this journey I am thankful, I am renewed, I am blessed.