Infertility and Baby #2

I close my eyes and feel our cozy bed envelope my tired body. A long, gray day in The Mitten makes my bones feel chilled to the core. I have been waiting to be able to crawl back into bed since my alarm went off bright and early this morning. Not that I was wishing my day away, just extra tired from a new school year in full-swing, kicking my workouts up a notch, my body in detox mode and a toddler on the tail end of teething. I hear the sound machine hum over the baby monitor and feel Hubbz’s arms enveloping me, his deep breaths are smooth and steady. I can feel his body relaxing and drifting off to dreamland.  I lay there thinking over my day. Thinking over my daily devotional from this morning that I cannot get out of my head.

I close my eyes and I see them. I see the Israelites on the bank of the Jordan River… waiting. If my research serves me correctly, somewhere around 2.5 million people stood waiting for God.

Waiting for His mighty hand.

Waiting for His incredible provision.

Waiting for their blessing.

Waiting for their opportunity.

I think about standing on the bank of the ominous Jordan River in our life. That thing. That obstacle. The path that seems treacherous. The footing that seems unsteady. I am scared.

But God.

Always God.

For the Israelites, God was upstream damming the river to stop the water. He was there making a way when there was no logical way. Hebrews 11:1 reminds me “Faith is confidence in what we hope for, an assurance about what we do not see.” Right now, in each of our lives, God is making a way. He is upstream damming the waters so by faith in Him we can valiantly enter His promised blessings.

I don’t know where your life journey is taking you but lately mine has been taking me away from the safety of the shore and out into the water. I don’t mean water that is amazing, clear shades of caribbean blue situated on gorgeous white sand beaches. I don’t mean warm shallow waters that you can ever so slowly wade into waist-deep, still seeing the bottom crystal clear. Lately, life has been taking me out into the deep water. The grayish-blue abyss, where the bottom is untouchable and nowhere in sight. The murky water so deep, dark and uninviting that you can’t see your hand in front of your face. It sends cold chill down my spine just thinking about it. And yet this is the season my life is in.

I’m writing this a full year into trying for baby number two. This year has brought with it months of fertility drugs and not one but two failed IUIs that broke my soul (the first in May and the second in June.) If you have been following my blog for any amount of time you know that it took us 19-months and one miraculously successful IUI to conceive our sweet Baby Toddler B. I thought this time around I was going to be easier. I had such a great pregnancy and my body knew how to grow a very healthy, very happy human! Turns out, I was incorrect. Conceiving a baby the second time around has proven to be difficult too.

I have to pause here as I know there are some people who come with harsh judgements and the opinion that we should just be happy with the child we have. I have to address this thought and say we are joy-filled, humbled and blessed with the child we have. Our son is amazing and leaves us palms up with gratitude at this gift the Lord has given us. This prayer that he so graciously answered. In addition to that, we absolutely love being parents and we have a deep desire to create another child and expand our family… and that is a beautiful thing that we so desperately hope for.

I don’t know what the Lord’s plan is in our life and if I can be super transparent, the Type A perfectionist in me gets gripped with an anxious fear about that, but I know I must keep her in check. I read something this weekend that is a beautiful picture of who God is and what he is capable of, “Whether or not God chooses to do something is a question of His sovereignty, not His ability. Whether or not He will do it is His business. But believing that He can — that’s our business.”

Hubbz’s breaths are long and steady next to me. He is somewhere far off in dreamland. I exhale one of those deep soul cleansing breaths. I close my eyes and I imagine us standing together on the bank of the River Jordan. I am holding our sweet Toddler B and Hubbz is holding my other hand. The water looks so scary and impossible to cross. We look upstream, waiting, watching, trusting in God. Knowing He will prove himself faithful in His way and in His time.

Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19

Sweet friends, Hubbz and I believe in a God that does the miraculous. We believe in a God that parts rivers, makes ways in the wilderness and creates rivers in the desert. As we so deeply put our trust in Jesus and His will for our family, we ask that you pray for us. We are praying bold prayers of conceiving a happy, healthy child and if you’re the praying type, we would love for you to join us. Prayers that we are led according to God’s will for our family. Prayers that we walk in wisdom and righteousness. Prayers that we wait- and most importantly that we wait well, being good stewards of this life.