I was supposed to be in surgery Wednesday morning. I had an almost 8 centimeter cyst on one of my ovaries that wasn’t going away and was growing steadily. Two weeks ago, my doctor scheduled surgery. I cried. I got mad at my body. Then, I decided underneath all of that emotion was fear. After much coaching from my People, I decided instead of being fearful I was going to pray it out and trust in the Lord. The more I prayed, the more I felt God saying “Hey Dez, how about you put your faith where you say your heart is and trust me.” #woah
Set with this God-given resolve, I got a small team together of Prayer Warriors. To be honest and tell one on myself, I was so ashamed about what was happening that I didn’t tell a lot of people and I didn’t reach out to ask for prayer like I normally do. I learned a lesson from this… don’t ever do that. It’s not our responsibility as followers of Jesus to live in shame and embarrassment. It’s our responsibility to be vulnerable and come together. Lesson learned on my part. Over the next two weeks, the small group of Prayer Warriors prayed, I prayed and we all waited. Two weeks felt like an eternity but everytime I would begin to feel the anxiety of worry I would lay my fears at the foot of the cross.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Though she wasn’t going to, I asked my doctor to run one last test the day before my surgery. She doesn’t normally do that because she said the likelihood of it resolving wasn’t great, but she agreed to recheck me anyway.
You guys, I was supposed to have surgery Wednesday morning… but I didn’t. As sure as I am typing these words, that cyst that had grown so large had shrunk in half in less than two weeks! My surgery was cancelled. #ThankYouJesus #HesOffTheHizzy
“I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27
Hubbz and I took this little miracle as a prompting to do something different than the norm. We did something that is unthinkable in our modern-day society. We both took the day of my surgery off anyway. We were taking a moment to recenter our focus from our very busy schedules to what really matters… God, each other and our family.
We woke up and played with our son and didn’t rush to get out of our jammies. It was a leisurely morning with nothing to do and nowhere to be. Hubbz and I went to the gym together – something we haven’t done in so long. He got a lift in and I got in a solid hour of yoga. I sat in the steam room with no place to go and not a thing on my agenda.
It. Was. Glorious.
Hubbz and I met at a gym and spent years working out side-by-side (couples who lift together stay together #liftheavysquatlow) but in a world of to-do lists and deadlines it rarely happens anymore. To be in this space with Hubbz, so many good memories come flooding back. Post-workout we got brunch together at one of our favorite eateries. I met my Mom for tea and three hours later we still sat there cracking up with conversation. Though we see each other everyday, we rarely sit down and talk just the two of us with zero interruptions. It was soul-quenching. At night, my sweet cousin brought us dinner and we spent the night laughing till we cried a little. God turned a day that I had been dreading into a day that I would like to stream on repeat.
I was in a meeting early this week and I was told something that struck me in the gut of my heart. My colleague and I were talking and he reminded me ever so eloquently that “God is good and He is still on the throne.” I don’t know about you but I forget that… all the time. I let the demands of the world overwhelm me and my faith that I like to think is steadfast and unwavering becomes frail and weak. My sweet readers, I am sharing this story, this tiny little miracle God gave me to bring to light that despite what is happening around us and to us, God is good and he is still on the throne.
I urge you sweet readers and friends, in the midst of our busy and hurried lives, take the day. Take a breath and just take the day. Take the day to do things for yourself and your relationships and your family that are so vital and important to a happy life. Take the day and say your gratefuls. Take the day and just breath. Take the day and pour into yourself, your life and your loved ones.
No matter what is happening in our lives, God is good and He is still on the throne.
YOU. GUYS. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! It is my most sincere hope that 2018 finds you extraordinarily happy, tenaciously hopeful and ridiculously healthy!
2018 has entered my life in the middle of an interesting season… Exhaustion. Pure, utter, unadulterated exhaustion. Mentally, physically, emotionally and even a little spiritually exhausted. This whole living life exhausted thing is new for me and to be totes honest, I don’t like it. This past month I have taken a pause and have done A LOT of thinking. While I am not one to get into the “New Year, New Me” thing, this year it hit me that maybe that’s EXACTLY what I need. Not getting into the new years resolution fad over the years has allowed me to stay ridiculously comfy and play a small-ish game that I can’t really lose. Both of these things my perfectionist nature loves… HOWEVER… I am done with that thinking.
It’s about to get all “New Year, New Me” up in here so if you’re not ready for that you should stop reading… don’t say I didn’t warn you.
For some time now I have been contemplating the difference between being comfortable with the skin I’m in and being a raging fat-ass. I feel like lately I am equal parts of both. While some of you may see this as horrendous self-talk, I can assure you it’s not. I use the term fat-ass in an endearing and loving way. What I have come to terms with is that I have become a comfortable-in-the-skin-I’m-in-fat-ass… therein lies the problem. Putting all my ego and vanity aside, it’s not a healthy place for me to be. Not emotionally, not spiritually, not mentally and certainly not physically. While I know the truths of this to the very squishy gut of my soul, I also know that I love food… and by food I mean anything that’s not a lean protein or vegetable. If junk food were a person, I would have the biggest crush. Problem is, junk food is like the guy that all your friends think you should stay away from but you just keep going back to it because, well, it’s delicious.
All of this thinking about this comfortable fat-assness has led me to the conclusion that something has to change. While this change is something I have vowed to have happen every single Sunday night since BabyB’s debut on the planet, here we are, 14+ months post-baby and well… ahem. That jiggle is still in my middle and that junk is still in my trunk.
The ugly truth is that I am hovering 1-2 lbs above my pre-baby weight. This alone doesn’t sound so bad, right? Except thanks to fertility drugs and emotional eating, 1-2 lbs above my pre-baby weight also happens to be the weight of a small human. My 5’2″ frame is riding the Struggle Bus straight to OhShitsVille and if I don’t do something seriously soon it’s not going to be good.
I know what you are thinking right about now, why the blog post about this?
We have got work to do. By “we” I mean I… and I need some accountability partners. Left to my own devices, I will pick laziness and gluttony 100% of the time. Accountability partners are a powerful thing.
Do you have any goals for 2018? (They don’t have to be physique centered, they can be anything!)
Do you want to join me in reaching those goals?
Do you want to become stronger than your strongest excuse?
I’m not striving for perfection, just progress sprinkled with a ton of grace.
I left a lot in 2017 that’s not coming with me in 2018.
People (Byeeeeeee Felicia).
Baggage (ugh, it was sooo heavy).
Thoughts (gotta get that mind right).
Ideas (woke AF).
I would love to have you partner with me on this adventure through the Facebook Group I created… a 2018 Challenge to Change. I would love to go on this journey with you- to help each other, to empower each other, to share our stories and to be accountable.
If you are inspired, or maybe just a little curious, join us here:
This year it’s time to write a new story. Time to shoot for the moon. Time to thrive.
WELL. I DID IT. I completed the 100 Days of Yoga Challenge. I’m kinda sitting over here waiting for someone to show up with a medal for me. Yes, a real medal that I can wear basically everyday of my life because that challenge was hard! I’d like it to be me in lotus pose looking all zen, with my cutest yoga pants on and my hair all jacked-up to Jesus. I’ll walk down the street and people will be like “Woah, she has a medal” and I’ll just wink and casually say “100 Days of Yoga, Bruh.” That may or may not be a fantasy… don’t judge me… whatever.
To bring you up to speed, 100 Days of Yoga started out as a conversation over a tea latte (made with almond milk) that you can read about HERE. The journey offered amazing lessons along the way and I attempted to capture them on the fly (HERE)… except life got in the way so that was the last of them. Now that it’s completed (and I wait for someone to award me with a medal) I can share the wit and wisdom from the mat.
100 days + 71 days = 100 Days of Yoga
On May 17th, I started… on November 3rd, I finished… do the math (or maybe, don’t.) Sometimes it takes more than 100 days to accomplish 100 Days of Yoga. Sometimes your time frame gets adjusted because #Life. There were times I forgot, times I was too tired, times I was just having more fun doing something else. There were times I got sick of it, times I had more important things to do. Times I wanted to sit on the couch, eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup and watch a DVR. I learned recently that given the choice between my mat or poolside with a Bloody Mary I will choose the latter 100% of the time. I started off getting mad at myself for these life choices. Why couldn’t I just freaking make this a priority and finish in 100 Days!? About Day 37 I was on a bridge in Chicago far past my bedtime with entirely too much wine making me feel all zen. Standing in tree pose with three of my favorite humans waiting on me take this photo, it dawned on me… I realized I wasn’t finishing in 100 days because I was having too much dang fun doing life off the mat. I decided to quit berating myself and lean into the process. Lean into the journey and just enjoy it, no matter how long it takes.
Yoga Makes Fat Rolls Pop Out
Sometimes I had to video my practice, other times, I had people capture photos for me. Lord have mercy on all the footage that died on the cutting room floor because I was not letting it see the light of day. There is nothing that makes you want to schedule liposuction tomorrow like seeing yourself, post-baby do yoga. In my head I felt lean and strong and flexible, on camera, it looked like a whale was trying to fold itself into a pretzel. Ever seen that in real life? I hadn’t either till it was time to post my yoga poses to Instagram… there aren’t enough filters for that. Clarendon? Juno? Perpetua? Lark? DELETE. Just delete, walk away and let’s pretend like that never happened… except it had, and it needed to, so I put the best filter on it and posted it anyway. While I work on boosting my self-talk and accepting a little back fat and lack of a thigh gap, I cling to the idea that with enough workouts, the right amount of macros and high quality H2O, I will have my body back. In the meantime, I’ve gotten pretty damn strong and my flexibility is off the charts. While transparency is something I strive for in life, #LAWD sometimes it just ain’t pretty.
Headstands are a stupid thing to do
I love inversions. I love being upside down and what that does to my body. I love the feeling of my legs getting a break and the stretch my body feels. I love balancing. The way my muscles feel as they are locked and engaged steadying my body upside down and holding it in the moment. That being said, sometimes you start off on your head but end up flat on your back… with an ice pack… after 7 different trips to the chiropractor. #truestory It was my idea to do a headstand on an adirondack chair, but, Newsflash: It was a dumb idea. We didn’t see that one coming now did we!? #WhatCouldGoWrong
Yoga is more fun with other humans
Lesson 4: Sometimes you rope in the people you love and IT. IS. GLORIOUS.
Some of my best moments on the mat are with the village that surrounds my life. My sister is the one who didn’t let me off the hook in doing this challenge and I am a better human for that. The time I can spend on the mat with her, breathing, focusing, pushing my body to the limit is such an incredible blessing. The moments I begged Hubbz to join me were never dull. While I tried to always be all serious and zen, we usually ended up laughing so hard that tears happened in the eye holes. Hubbz is hilarious and he has this uncanny ability to never under any circumstance allow me to take myself or life too serious.
I remember it so vividly. It’s about 10pm and I am standing over my 3 week old baby’s bassinet. I am frozen. I have just laid him down, he’s fast asleep and I can’t make a decision. I can’t decide if I should turn on the rocker to the bassinet or let it be still. While I could laugh and chalk this up to the indecisiveness of my Gemini nature, this dives a lot deeper. This is a frozen with fear moment that a year later, I still remember.
As I stood there, the following thoughts went galavanting through my brain:
What if I turn on the rocker and then he gets used to it, and when I put him in his crib when he’s older he doesn’t sleep because cribs don’t rock back and forth!?
What if I don’t turn it on and he can’t fall asleep and then he wakes up in 5 minutes, and this goes on for hours on end and I never sleep ever again in my whole entire life!?
What if I start the rocker and then for the rest of his life he needs to be rocked to sleep by me until he gets married, then he needs his wife to rock him to sleep and then she hates me because it’s a weird thing to have to rock a grown man to sleep!?
What if I don’t turn it on and 37 years from now he’s in a therapist’s office talking about how he would be a more well adjusted adult if his Mom used the rocker on the bassinet when he was a baby!?
This went on for a solid three minutes, all the while I just stood there staring like a sleep-deprived, fearful, first-time, never-done-this-before-in-my-whole-life Mom. Hubbz comes in and gently asks if I need anything. I reply that I am afraid of breaking our tiny human because I don’t know if I should turn the rocker on or not.
While all of these seem like irrational thoughts, I can assure you, in that moment they were not the least bit irrational. I was a new Mommy who was paralyzed with fear that I was doing it so very wrong. I was parenting out of fear of messing up my kid. I was parenting out of fear that I was going to royally jack something up. I was parenting out of fear that people were going to judge me for doing it wrong.
Our son turns 1 today.
To this day I can’t remember what we ever decided about that bassinet, and you will be happy to know, I didn’t break our tiny human! He’s a well-adjusted, happy, thriving, very strong (in strength and will) little boy. At some point in this past year a gradual change happened. I am unsure of the moment but somewhere along the way, I stopped parenting out of fear and started parenting out of love. Instead of parenting with fear driving my decisions, I began parenting with love leading the way. I realized that I don’t have all the answers and on this side of Heaven, I never will. Things are going to happen in life and I am going to screw up as a Mommy. For those moments, there’s grace.
Hubbz and I watched a parenting conference through our church recently (you can watch the first session free) and it talked about the purpose of parenting and who we are as parents. The only way baby boy is going to learn about grace, forgiveness and love is by what we show him. Children learn by what they see and experience. While this seems super #basic, it’s one of the most profound statements about parenting. As my sweet baby boy grows into a one year-old, I have to lay down the need to make it all appear perfect and more than that, I have to lay down the need to make it feel perfect in my heart. Sometimes being a parent doesn’t feel good. It’s telling him “no” when he wants to have his way (because I have this deep yearning to spoil him but I know that’s not healthy for him), it’s being firm in that “no” when he shows his temper (Lord, have mercy, he got his Mama’s strong-will and loud mouth #mykarma), it’s walking side-by-side with your husband and letting him lead as the head of the home (ummm super-duper hard for me because #ilikemyway), and sometimes it’s doing all of this while being deprived of sleep and/or personal time (Ugh. Just Ugh. #ugh).
As my baby boy finishes his first year on the planet, I think back on this first year as parents. We laughed, we cried, we said a lot of what the ‘effing ‘effs. Sometimes I questioned what I was doing and other times I felt like I had it under control. I am going to venture to say that while marriage is hard, being married with a kid is even harder. There are so many more variables that you literally have zero control of. We learned baby poop cleans nicely off leather seats and there is such a thing as phantom baby puke… All of a sudden it’s just there without warning. According to our son, bath time is the best time to pee. Speaking of pee, Apple watches are apparently pee-proof (though I wouldn’t purposely test that one). There have been ups and downs, disagreements and high-fives… Sometimes these things happened all in the same day. We are far from having it figured out but I believe in my heart we make the best team. Somewhere along the way we got very clear on our commitment to the endgame of a happy, healthy, God-centered home. It’s something that requires dedication, intentionality and so much prayer.
Almost a year ago, I stood paralyzed with fear over over the bassinet of my 3 week old son. As we wrap up this first year, I am certain that we got here only by the grace of God. Even when it seems hard, and we don’t have all the answers, He is working his infinite plan and it is so unbelievably good.
So much changes in an instant… Give it 2 years and life as you knew it can become unrecognizable. The post below showed up on my Facebook memories today from two years ago (Thanks Facebook for that trip down memory lane.) I am humbled where my life is at. I am humbled by this little boy that I call my son. I am humbled by the works God has accomplished through faith in him.
I urge you sweet friends, whatever you are going through, keep going!
The infertility that breaks you.
The marriage that is falling apart.
The financials that don’t make ends meet.
The job that you hate.
Whatever your struggle, KEEP GOING.
From the gut of my soul, I urge you to keep pressing on.
Keep pushing through the pain that you might not entirely understand. Where you are today is not where you will end up. Two years ago today, I sat in my living room with a broken heart. I was doubtful, sad and angry. I didn’t understand it and if we can be super honest I was certain in some ways that God was punishing me for being a crappy human. In the end, God took me through the struggle and as sure as I am sitting here today, he used it all for good. ALL OF IT FOR GOOD.
Keep going my sweet friends.
God’s got this.
Truths Discovered on My Journey to the Mommy Club
published September 28, 2015
Saturday night finds us posted up in our usual spot at church. The church is full. The message? A message on truth. Fancy that. The reason we showed up here tonight was because we (rather, I) needed a little unwavering truth in my life. Summer has been busy and football Saturday’s sometimes pull us away from being at church. We catch up with the messages that we stream online but sometimes your soul just needs to be here.
The lights dim, the band begins, my eyes see the words but my heart isn’t in this tonight and I can’t bring myself to move my lips to the words. I listen. I feel the words permeate the hurt. I wait for the hurt to lift… And it doesn’t. If anything it gets worse because now I am beating myself up for being ungrateful. I have a beautiful life. I have more love around me than I know what to do with most days. I have a great job, I am healthy, I have family and friends that are amazing… But this sadness is nagging at me. The music ends and as if on cue a baby cries from somewhere over my right shoulder. My heart aches to be able to comfort a baby. An adorable little human to call our own.
God, I’m really mad at you. God, I don’t agree with your will right now. God, I have a plan. I feel like you’ve turned your back on me, God. Do you even love me, God?
Our pastor comes up to deliver a message on truth.
He covers the History of the Bible to make sure we get the undeniable validity and truth of the book. And then…
“You’re here tonight for something.”
“You’re looking for something and it’s in here!” As he raises his bible.
Ok, you have my attention, God.
Our pastor read Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
His good, pleasing and perfect will… I’m listening, God.
“Be conformed by the world or be transformed by the word. God uses the word to change the way we think.”
So what am I supposed to do?
That’s it, God? That’s all you have for me? I am going through the most difficult time in my life and your advice to me is to read the bible!?
Is this a joke!?
The pastor finishes his message and the band plays.
How great is our God,
Sing with me how great is our God,
And all will see how great,
How great is our God.
Not gunna lie, I grumbled… All the way home.
I sat on the couch next to Hubbz and I opened the Book of Truth.
Alright God… I’m reading.
I flip to Romans because it’s heavy and right now, I need heavy. I need some solid truths to snap me out of this doubt and sadness that’s literally tearing me apart.
God leads with Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us.”
My ears have perked up, God… Where are you going with this?
Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
So let me process this here… I love God. And since this book is my Truth then that means God will work all things for good.
All things? ALL THINGS.
Even sad things? ALL THINGS.
Even the hard things? ALL THINGS.
Even infertility things? ALL. THINGS.
In that moment I looked up, tears streaming down my cheeks, the truth permeating deep into my soul. I don’t know if we will ever have a baby or not but I do know we serve a God who works all things for the good of those who love him. Regardless of the outcome, it will be good.
I look over at my now sleeping husband and our pup asleep on his chest.
A peace has began to replace the sadness.
The ache in my heart isn’t gone but it has began to subside.
In this moment I imagine God giving me a wink and saying “I got you.”
I take a deep breath, one that fills my belly.
I exhale and as if on cue, the words fill my brain…
How great is our God,
Sing with me how great is our God,
And all will see how great,
How great is our God.