I sit in the big comfy lay-z-boy recliner in his room and I rock him. The shades are drawn, the lights are off. The gentle hum of his sound machine fills the room. He’s cuddled up close to me. I can feel his not-so-little body relax, slowly letting go of his day and drifting into a nighttime sleep. Oh kid, you’ve taken my idea of what it means to live and thrown it directly out the window. I sit rocking him in this cozy place and get lost in my thoughts…
For a long, long time, I thought to live meant to take fancy vacations to places that you had to roll your tongue to pronounce correctly. I thought it meant oscar-style filet dinners and bougie bottles of champagne. (What can I say… #ChampsDrinkChamps) 😎 In all seriousness, to tell one on myself, for a long time, for me, a well-lived life was measured by the fancy things in it. Sweet baby boy, you’ve given me a new perspective on that and it’s literally blown my mind.
Life is lived on Saturday mornings when Daddy gets you from your room and brings you into bed with us. It’s lived by being woken up to your drool on my cheek and your sweet fingers touching my sleepy face.
Life is lived over dinners on the deck under our little canopy. Your daddy grilling turkey burgers while you let me hold you in my lap as the summer breeze tickles our faces. At dinner time a bite for you, a bite for me. That’s how we eat around here these days and it’s beautiful.
Life is lived on walks around the neighborhood. Daddy and I catch up on our day and you, sweet guy, take your evening nap-a-doo. It is in this space that we pause every so often to look down and you and fawn over how adorable you are snoozing in your stroller.
Life is lived on random Friday nights that are no longer filled with wine and dancing. Instead they are filled with toys and giggles on the floor of your playroom. Daddy and I “ohh and ahh” over each new thing you do still not believing you are really ours. My favorite is when you do something new and your Daddy and I get to experience seeing it together. Our eyes meet and together we are amazed at you.
Baby boy when people used to talk about their kid being their favorite adventure I thought it was an adorable sentiment. Sweetheart, I can honestly say I had no idea the magnitude of what they even meant until now. Everyday with you is an adventure better than the day before. Sometimes I look at you and I want to pinch myself that you’re ours. I know I’m super biased because I made you, but I think you’re the raddest 11 month old on the planet.
I look down at you fast asleep in my arms. There are a million other things I could be doing right now- things that at one point in my life actually seemed so important. The DVR is full of a million things to one day watch. I’m not entirely sure what football game is on tv tonight. The dinner dishes are in the sink and there is laundry that needs to be folded in the dryer. I watch the rise and fall of your chest as you dream all the things little boys dream. Your body is relaxed and the day has faded away. I’m supposed to put you in your crib because all the books caution against rocking you to sleep. I can safely say I threw caution to the wind on that one because you’re only a little boy once.
Sweet buddy, you took my idea of life and flipped it on it’s head. I have never, ever, ever been so grateful for anything in my entire life. You are truly our greatest adventure.
We spent a glorious Saturday in the Land of Sparta. Hubbz, Baby Boy, my bestie and I gallivanted from patios to campus and everywhere in between. It was Welcome Weekend on the greatest campus in all the land. There were families everywhere dropping off new and returning Spartans. As we walked down Grand River be-bopping in and out of shops, we passed a Mama wiping the tears from her eyes. As I pushed my not-so-little 10 month old in his stroller, my heart made a deep pang in my chest. My brain reminded me “18 years is just the blink of an eye.” Yes, I will be his Mama forever. Yes, I will nurture and dote on him until my last breath on this Earth. However, in the blink of an eye, I will be that Mama on Welcome Weekend wiping the tears because my baby boy won’t be a baby anymore, but a young man. He will be moving into his college dorm, embarking on his newest adventure before we know it. A sense of urgency strikes a spot deep in my soul to not let a moment pass without savoring him, without teaching him, without enjoying him.
We cross the street to campus and head to Sparty’s statue, because it’s Baby Boy’s first walk on campus and we need a photo with the greatest mascot in college sports. As we round the path to Spartacus, the thought hit me that this is going to be one of those side-by-side photos I will make in 18 years. The then and the now. This moment is a memory we will look back on and reminisce about.
How little he was…
How young we looked…
How easy life was back then…
On our way up the walk to the statue, a Mama passes me. Her, her husband and son had just taken their picture in front of Sparty. She smiles and waves at my Baby B. I tell her we have to take a photo now so in 18 years we can take another. All she is able to say is “this is my 18 year…” before she begins to cry. I stop in my tracks and turn to face her. I take off my sunglasses and look her right in the eye and tell her “Don’t worry Mama, we will take good care of him, I promise!” She looks at me kinda bewildered. I explain to her that I work at the university. I tell her about what I used to do on campus and all about the support systems in place for him. It turns out, her son will be affiliated with the college I work in. I meet her youngest son, one of our newest Spartans. I lead with “Welcome to the Land of Sparta!” I tell them how to reach me should he need anything at all. I love being a resource for students, but something deeper hit me this day. I’m a resource for Mama’s. It has never impacted me this hard until I had a child of my own. These students that are filling our campus this weekend are all someone’s baby. That fact that has driven my work has taken on a deeper meaning and made my heart for our students open more than it already was. Though my job is in communications, the calling on my life is in caring for and supporting our students.
In the gut of my soul, my heart feels full. We Mama’s just want the reassurance that our babies are going to be ok. No matter what stage in life, no matter how old they get. We just want to be at peace with the notion that they are safe and protected in a world that can be really hard sometimes.
I can’t be everywhere for our son and if we’re being honest, it’s not healthy for me to want to be. There is One that can though. I think about God and the miraculous things he has done. I think on the biblical truths that are blessed reassurance for our son’s future. I believe God orchestrates our lives and the people we come in contact with. My deepest hope and prayer for our son is that he walks with the Lord and his burden is light. I pray that God puts people in our son’s life that bless him and support him. 18 years will go by in the blink of an eye. My sense of urgency is heightened to not let a moment pass without savoring him, without teaching him, without enjoying him.
** Mommyhood has kept me busy and I have 72,463,795 half-written blog posts laying around. In an effort to share them, I will be posting them periodically on #TBT’s… Today is one of those #TBT’s. This was started about 8 months ago when baby boy was about a month old. Enjoy.
This morning as I sat and nursed my sweet little boy, while the rest of the house slept, I aimlessly flipped through my Facebook memories of this day. I love looking back and seeing how far life has taken me. There were a couple rough years embedded in those posts and to see how far I have come from such a rough time is a testament to the glory and goodness of the God I serve. Today’s look back was enough to bring me to my knees while tears of humble gratitude flow heavily from my eyeholes.
If you know our story you know the journey to the Mommy Club was a hard one. Infertility was our reality while trying to get pregnant and it was the most difficult road I have ever walked. Very early on this sweet Sunday morning, the day of our little boy’s baptism, I look back.
Facebook reminded me this morning of a blog post I posted one year ago today. I climbed up on a cold, hard hospital table and endured the worst infertility test of my life. I can now honestly say, it was a pain that made child birth seem like a walk in the park… No joke.
I still to this day have no idea why God picked Hubbz and I to go through the trials of infertility. I suspect it’s because God knew I would share our journey. There are so many couples on the same walk and so many of them don’t talk about it. There are women silently hurting and because of shame or embarrassment don’t talk about it. There is a stigma around infertility and I like to think that maybe in my little spot on this planet that I can help erase that stigma… Or at least shake it up a little. I like to think that our story can help others know they aren’t alone.
Infertility sucks. I can try and sugar coat it and look at the silver lining but at the end of the day, it sucks. It is through this helpless despair that I boast that there is a need for our God in our lives. A God who became human and endured the worst of the worst for you and for me. A God that sees, hears and understands all of it- even that thing you think he won’t understand- He gets it. A God that I have shaken my fists at and threatened to walk away from- yet a God that always showered me with mercy, love, grace and forgiveness.
I sit here on this Sunday morning, Baby Boy’s baptism day, and I am humbled. My sweet Hubbz asleep next to me and our little miracle fast asleep in my arms- I lean my head back and rest it on the headboard and I exhale.
God, you are mighty and your love is unfailing. In my shortcomings and pure human failure you bless me more than I deserve. I look back a year ago today and I am humbled at the profound goodness of your ways. I didn’t understand your ways and your timing but you have taken my immeasurable heartache and used it for good. You redeemed our hurts and our sadness a hundred times over. You God, are incredible and all I can do is bow my head, face my palms upward, and thank you. You are a mighty God that we serve.
Nine months into this Mom Gig and I’ve decided that motherhood is just a bunch of teary-eyed moments strung together. Sometimes it’s a little weepy tear, other times it’s a full on ugly cry. For a chick who used to think crying made you look weak AF, this revelation amuses me.
My latest bout of tears occurred over two Graco 4Ever car seats. It’s a Sunday morning and I am in the kitchen with Hubbz. We are unboxing our latest purchase… Car seats. One for my car and one for his truck. (Well, maybe I should be honest here… I am unboxing them. Hubbz is keeping me company, cracking jokes, drinking his coffee… And perfecting his photobomb game.) I set them on the table to inspect them. My Mama Sense is heightened because the safety of my tiny human is at hand. (In case you don’t know, Mama Sense is like Spidey Sense but for Mom’s. It’s a real thing.) The car seats look pretty comfy. Nice, sturdy, safe. I feel like if I were a tiny human I would love to take a long, afternoon car ride nap-a-doo in one of these. Hubbz read all the ratings and these are pretty great middle of the road purchases. I’m reading the manual because my “type A” personality tells me I must. Hubbz pokes fun at me and reassures me he knows what to do- but alas, humors me anyway while I read cover to cover. #hegetsme
I am reading about “installing the latch in the rear-facing direction” and it hits me… My kid is getting a new carseat. While I know some of you seasoned Mama’s are rolling your eyes, I am over here fighting back eyehole leakage. I remember the first time I strapped my kid into his infant seat. I stood in the hospital room alone with him. Hubbz went to get the car and the nurse had left to get the wheelchair. I stood there looking at my son- kind of amazed they were letting me leave with him… Was I qualified to do this!? I double and triple checked the straps. Through my sleepless awe I remember looking at him and saying “Little guy, I’m not gunna be the perfect Mama, but I promise I will love you with reckless abandon.” While I would love to say he looked at me and smiled… He didn’t. He was fast asleep probably annoyed that this lady that wouldn’t stop holding him and kissing his little nosie was now talking to him. I checked the straps again and when the nurse came back, I asked her to please check them just to be safe. #TypeAPersonalityForTheWin.
Back at the kitchen table, I stand with the manual in my hand. The car seats are starting to get a little blurry because the tears are pooling. I try to brush it off but all I can think is that my baby boy isn’t a baby anymore. He’s a babbling, crawling, standing up on his own, 6 teefers in his mouth, little boy. I look up at Hubbz who, by the look on his face, is clearly confused as to what’s happening. I tell him that our little guy isn’t so little anymore… And then I ugly cry.
Nine months into this Mom Gig and I am convinced that motherhood is just a bunch of teary-eyed moments strung between a lot of laughs and a lot more WTF’s. I am realizing that each moment of motherhood is sacred and precious and beautiful. More than any of that, each moment is fleeting. (I invite you to remind me of this wonderful sentiment in the midst of chaos that is sometimes my life.)
This whole upgrading the car seat thing reminds me of two things:
1) Ferris Bueller was onto something profound. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” (See Mom, watching that movie so many times during my childhood really did pay dividends while adulting.)
2) The moments to make an impact on our son’s life are fleeting and we must make the most of them right now in this moment. There is so much we need to teach him about having a heart for the Lord, loving all people and being a loyal and trustworthy man. 18 years seems like eternity some days and other days, I know it will be just the blink of an eye.
The little infant seat that has securely toted around our son for the past nine months is officially retired for the time being. In it’s place, a big boy seat. With it comes the gentle reminder to slow down, embrace the moments and enjoy each stage of car seats.
So, I’d like to start dating again. And I don’t mean men.
What did she just say?!
Let me explain. You know how when you meet a new friend and you don’t jump right in, instead you date them for a while. Grab manicures or a quick lunch (you know, things with timeframes on them) to see if it’s a good fit. Then you grab a glass of Happy Hour or dinner- if that goes well, you introduce the husbands and see if they mesh. So like I said, I’d like to start dating again. Match-Maker, Match-Maker, make me a match. A Mom to have fun with, that’s a real catch. Where do I put out an ad for that? Is there a Tinder for Mom’s? This may sound crazy but I’ve thought about it a lot and I am totally serious… I need Mom friends. It all started a little over a week ago…
It’s a Saturday and my Mama, Baby Boy and I are galavanting around town picking up finishing touches for my house. I am standing in the checkout line at one of my favorite home stores. Actually, I’m not in line, I am flirting with getting in line while I peruse the trinkets that the store so carefully places in my path for the up-sale. (UGH, Damn you up-sale!) Baby Boy is cooing happily in his Baby Bjorn looking around at all the things. (Sidenote, I LOVE more than anything on the planet wearing Baby Boy in his carriers. It’s one of my favorite perks of Mommyhood.) Anyway, my Mama and I were in the midst of discussing candle scents when a woman interrupted us. She apologized but wanted to know how I liked my Baby Bjorn. I enthusiastically offered my thoughts. She thanked me and we both went on our way. The whole conversation was maybe 72 seconds long but it left me overjoyed to be able to talk to another Mom about Mom things. (Pre-Mommyhood Dez would have definitely rolled her eyes by now and checked the score to the Tigers game… It is not lost on me how the times have changed.)
Next store, Mama and I were in the checkout line and this time Baby Boy was sleeping snugly in his stroller. The lady in front of me turned a few times to look at my stroller and finally asked how I liked it because her and her husband were thinking about getting the same one. I again enthusiastically offered her my thoughts. This whole conversation took about 139 seconds and again I was left overjoyed to be able to talk to another Mom about Mom things. (Pre-Mommyhood Dez would definitely have assumed I went off the deep-end getting excited about baby strollers… Again, it is not lost on me how the times have changed.)
As I drove home with my Mama and Baby Boy I couldn’t help but think about these Mama’s that I briefly talked to. I wanted to text them to see how they liked their Baby Bjorn and stroller. (That’s possibly super weird… I know.) These interactions got me thinking about how radically my life has changed in these last seven months. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who even am I anymore?! I know you might think I am kidding but I am FOR REAL! Do you know that I didn’t even watch the NFL Draft this year? Yeah, seriously. I settled for following it on my phone. Do you know I only watched half of the last day of the Master’s this year? Oy vey. Let’s not even talk about the fact that it’s mid-June and I have yet to pick up a golf club. I’m not going to lie, this makes me die inside a little.
In addition to finding my new identity while being a Mommy, I am learning that balancing friendships and Mommyhood is hard. I’ve realized that I have no idea where to meet other Mom’s with the same likes and interests as me. Where are all these fabulous Mom Groups I hear about? How do I find them? I am beginning to wonder if they are like good babysitters and delicious recipes… When you find a good one you keep it on the down-low so you don’t have to share… I mean, err, not that I do that or anything.
I feel like I need a dating app but for Mom’s… If it existed my profile would read:
Hi, I’m Dez. I am a Wifey of 10 years to Hubbz and we are first-time parents to a 7 month old baby boy who is our happy little miracle. We have a 5 lb. Maltese who is an old lady dog and thinks she’s a German Shepherd. I like yoga, football, the feeling of sand between my toes, Jameson on the rocks, delicious sushi, the game of golf, floppy hats and stilettos. I need me some Jesus like I need the air I breath… but I cuss like a sailor sometimes. When I am in the car alone I like to roll down the windows and drive with music cranked up as loud as it will go. I am a horrible singer, but I sing at the top of my lungs anyway. I love to hostess Dance Party USA in the middle of my living room any chance I get. I play a mean air guitar. My motto in life is “No pants are the best pants”. If you’re a Mommy interested in laughing till you pee a little and ruining your diet over Taco Tuesdays, by all means, #swiperight.