Saturday night finds us posted up in our usual spot at church. The church is full. The message? A message on truth. Fancy that. The reason we showed up here tonight was because we (rather, I) needed a little unwavering truth in my life. Summer has been busy and football Saturday’s sometimes pull us away from being at church. We catch up with the messages that we stream online but sometimes your soul just needs to be here.

The lights dim, the band begins, my eyes see the words but my heart isn’t in this tonight and I can’t bring myself to move my lips to the words. I listen. I feel the words permeate the hurt. I wait for the hurt to lift… And it doesn’t. If anything it gets worse because now I am beating myself up for being ungrateful. I have a beautiful life. I have more love around me than I know what to do with most days. I have a great job, I am healthy, I have family and friends that are amazing… But this sadness is nagging at me. The music ends and as if on cue a baby cries from somewhere over my right shoulder. My heart aches to be able to comfort a baby. An adorable little human to call our own.

God, I’m really mad at you. God, I don’t agree with your will right now. God, I have a plan. I feel like you’ve turned your back on me, God. Do you even love me, God?

Our pastor comes up to deliver a message on truth.

He covers the History of the Bible to make sure we get the undeniable validity and truth of the book. And then…

“You’re here tonight for something.”

“You’re looking for something and it’s in here!” As he raises his bible.

Ok, you have my attention, God.

Our pastor read Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

His good, pleasing and perfect will… I’m listening, God.

“Be conformed by the world or be transformed by the word. God uses the word to change the way we think.”

So what am I supposed to do?

“Read it.”

That’s it, God? That’s all you have for me? I am going through the most difficult time in my life and your advice to me is to read the bible!?

Is this a joke!?

“Read it.”

The pastor finishes his message and the band plays.

How great is our God,

Sing with me how great is our God,

And all will see how great,

How great is our God.

Not gunna lie, I grumbled… All the way home.

I sat on the couch next to Hubbz and I opened the Book of Truth.

Alright God… I’m reading.

I flip to Romans because it’s heavy and right now, I need heavy. I need some solid truths to snap me out of this doubt and sadness that’s literally tearing me apart.

God leads with Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us.”

My ears have perked up, God… Where are you going with this?

Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

So let me process this here… I love God. And since this book is my Truth then that means God will work all things for good.

All things? ALL THINGS.

Even sad things? ALL THINGS.

Even the hard things? ALL THINGS.

Even infertility things? ALL. THINGS.

In that moment I looked up, tears streaming down my cheeks, the truth permeating deep into my soul. I don’t know if we will ever have a baby or not but I do know we serve a God who works all things for the good of those who love him. Regardless of the outcome, it will be good.

I look over at my now sleeping husband and our pup asleep on his chest.

A peace has began to replace the sadness.

The ache in my heart isn’t gone but it has began to subside.

In this moment I imagine God giving me a wink and saying “I got you.”

I take a deep breath, one that fills my belly.

I exhale and as if on cue, the words fill my brain…

How great is our God,

Sing with me how great is our God,

And all will see how great,

How great is our God.