A Thanksgiving Reflection

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It’s been some time since I have published a post. Our little bundle of love is a month old and has been the most amazing thing that has happened to our lives. There is plenty to blog about and share with the world and I have been definitely been writing it all down. I will share it at some point but right now we are so focused on pouring our lives into this little guy and each other. The house is quiet and I sit in the rocking chair holding my sweet little boy. Cuddling him in my arms and staring at his face and taking in all his tiny features. Watching his chest rise and fall, imagining the sound of his beating heart like we heard so many times when he was in my belly. I sit here breathing in his little baby scent and I am so in love. Beyondimg_7736 the love, bigger than this love, something more stirs inside of me. It is the sheer amazement of the God we serve. For two years Hubbz and I prayed for a baby. We prayed for a sweet little one that we could call our own. Through our infertility journey, we turned to God-led medicine and science to help our miracle along. In God’s perfect timing he granted us our hearts desire. I am in awe.
For this child I have prayed and the Lord has given me that which I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27
I feel a hot tear leak out of my eyehole and start to run down my cheek. A tear that symbolizes joy. This God we serve and the things he is capable of leave me astounded. This is the human God picked just for us. This is the little life that we prayed for. This is the little boy God entrusted us with. A tiny human He knit together in my womb but knew all about long before He created the world. On that beautiful fall day in October, God’s love came down from Heaven and he placed a miracle in our arms.
This Thanksgiving we reflect with hearts full of gratitude. We think back to a year ago and how far our story has come. All of the things that have changed and all of the things that stay the same. The hurts that have been healed and the joys God has given life to. The God we serve is mighty and He works all things for good for those who love Jesus.
With a heart so full, I wish you more blessings in your life than you can ask for and very Happy Thanksgiving Week!
CheersDez cursiveslope

Week 34 Meltdowns

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Tonight I had a minor meltdown. It might have been the pregnancy hormones. It might have been that I am in my 8th month of growing a human. It might be that I have an amazingly fulfilling, yet very demanding job. It might be that I am pushing myself to finish up my Master’s before BabyB’s arrival. It might be that I am teaching my first college-level class at a University known all across the world. It might be that our dream home is in the process of being built. It might be that I was in the middle of folding laundry for a little boy that I have never met but I am so beyond in love with. Pick any mix of those reasons then mush them together and throw it in the air. It’s not hard to see why I had a minor meltdown.

Hubbz was at basketball and I sat on the couch my computer and work emails on one side and warm baby clothes hot out of the dryer on the other side. Our little pup was curled up and nestled in the middle of them. I sat there and I started to worry. I became so overwhelmed by the to-do lists and the timeframe I have to do them in. Overwhelmed by the unknown of when and in what manner this little boy is going to come into the world. I am a planner and well, you can’t really plan when a child is going to grace you with his presence or how the delivery will go. All of this overwhelmed me, and I cried. It’s cool though- I own it… And then, of course, I write about it.

I knew I couldn’t sit there and cry all night, so I did what I know to do. I texted some of my people- just the ladies tonight because the guys wouldn’t necessarily understand. The ladies responded in full-force with encouraging words, prayers and love. Then my one lady, the lady of all ladies, my Mama, responded with her usual incredible wisdom. She didn’t say a lot- she didn’t need to. Mama’s words of wisdom usually pack a punch. She reminded me to pray. I shook my head at myself. Prayer should be my first go to but so many times it’s my last resort. Prayer seems like such a little thing- but it’s a thing that changes the world.

I pushed the baby clothes over to the side and closed my computer and work emails. I laid back on the couch, closed my eyeholes and began to pray.

God. There is so much to do. The timing of everything is so right now and yesterday. The to-do lists keep growing and the demands of life aren’t letting up. In my human frailty I can’t do it all God. I can’t keep it all running smooth. At some point, I am going to drop a ball here. I need some help God. I need a little divine intervention on this one. God I surrender it all to you because the more I hang on to it the more it’s like sand falling from my clenched fists. I surrender my life to you. I give you my worries, my fears, my anxious mind, the unknowns of the future. I gladly hand them over to you because you handle them all much better than I do. And if we are being totally honest, when I hang on to it all, left to my own devices, I jack it all up. So God, you put all this in my life to bless me and I surrender to you to get me through it all. Bigger than getting through it though, help me to get through it with grace and enjoyment and a smile on my face. Help me to not just get through but really feel it in my bones the blessings you have put in front of me. It’s so easy to focus on the to-do’s and the get-through’s but it’s another to focus on what they mean and the magnitude behind them. God I am so grateful for it all. In the same breath, I can’t wait to hold my baby boy and have all the to-do’s accomplished for just a moment. In my human frailty I rely on you, God. My sweet Redeemer. The Creator of it all. I surrender to you.

With a deep breath I open my eyes. The laundry is still there. My work emails still awaiting responses. The deadlines still looming. My circumstances haven’t changed- Yet I am at peace. I am at peace knowing He’s got this. I am at peace knowing it’s too much for me to handle and do on my own, so He’s got this.

He’s so got this.

And if He’s got me, surely He’s got you too.

All you have to do is let Him.

CheersDez cursiveslope

When It’s Monday and You Need a Little Peace

This summer has been a whirlwind and on the horizon is an even busier fall. Life never really seems to slow down these days and for me that means it’s imperative that I deliberately carve out time each day to get my soul filled with some Jesus. This past week Hubbz and I Babymooned like Bosses and unfortunately I left my bible packed snugly in my backpack. In an effort to catch up on one of the two bible studies I am doing, I snuggled up on the couch over the weekend to do some reading.

My study brought me to the Book of Matthew. If you aren’t familiar with the bible, because let’s be honest, it can be super overwhelming and sometimes I fall asleep reading it, Matthew is the first book in the New Testament. It’s the book that tells the story of how Jesus sends his ever so human disciples out to preach the Gospel to the ends of the Earth. I had a mini-revelation in Matthew 26 that kinda got me thinking…

In Matthew 26, the end of Jesus’ life on Earth is beginning to unfold. The plot against Jesus, the last supper, the denial of his ever so human disciples and Jesus’ eventual arrest. I read a verse that I am certain I have read a million times before but it dawned on me a little differently this time. Matthew 26:53-54. Before I get into the verse, let me set the stage.

It’s night in a place called Gethsemane. Jesus knows they are coming to arrest him and he spends most of the evening praying. His disciples are supposed to keep watch but in their flawed humanity, they fall asleep… Numerous times. (I have to admit, I can’t blame them… I love my sleep these days and despite being Jesus’ besties, they are still totally human.) Jesus comes back to wake them the last time, he says “Rise! Let’s Go! Here comes my betrayer!” These words were spoken just as Judas (one of Jesus’ BFF disciples turned traitor) enters the scene with an armed crowd ready to arrest Jesus. There are words exchanged and a scuffle- an ear of the high priest’s servant was cut off in the process. In the midst of this, Jesus does his Jesus thing… He brings peace to an emotionally charged situation.

Ready to get your mind blown? Matthew 26:53-54 happens… Jesus says “Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way?”

Weird verses to blow your mind, right? But these are the verses that caught my attention and got me thinking…

In the midst of our storms in life, there is God, in all his glory, able to do more than we can ever ask or imagine. Our God is there with the means to fix the money issues, fix the marital problems, fix the sickness, fix the job situation, fix the infertility, fix the {enter your ailment and problem here}.

EXCEPT.

Except sometimes he doesn’t.

Except sometimes his infinite wisdom has something different in mind for us.

Except sometimes we don’t understand.

Except sometimes we think we have a better way.

Except sometimes we think if we can just fight through we can change the outcome.

All the while, God is there.

With His Infinite wisdom.

With His Unyielding provision.

With His Unwavering love.

God is there- handling it. Answering prayers His way, in His time. Just the way it’s supposed to be orchestrated to fulfill His plans.

I step back and I re-read Jesus’ words, “Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way?”

I stand back and look at my own life. The prayers that have gone unanswered. The tears and angst that at times I have felt. The times I shook my fists to Heaven because I wanted things to go a different way. So many times, God could have swooped in and instantly fixed my problems but he didn’t because he had a different plan. A plan bigger than I could see. It’s here that I look to Jesus. This God turned man turned Savior. Facing circumstances that I cannot even wrap my brain around to fulfill God’s greater plan.

There are so many questions that I have that I know I won’t have the answer to on this side of Heaven. So many things I have on my mind to ask God about when I leave this Earth. In the meantime, one thing I know for certain, I can look to Jesus and find peace. I can find a purpose for the path. I can find my Earthly answer to all my questions and it’s all hidden in two little verses in Matthew.

Here’s to a little peace on the Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed…

CheersDez cursiveslope

A Letter to Our Little Boy

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Hi My Sweet BabyB, Well… We made it. We are officially in the third trimester. The home stretch is here! My sweet little boy, you have given me the most beautiful pregnancy I could ever ask for. Despite the horror stories people feel the need to share, my pregnancy with you has been so fun and I have felt amazing (although I walk a little slower these days and sometimes I think I even waddle a little.) Your Daddy tells me he thinks it’s cute, so there’s that. I have stayed healthy (besides this annoyingly consistent stuffed up nose) so hopefully that means your immune system is super-duper healthy too! I don’t know if that’s a thing, I kind of just made it up because it sounds like it could be a thing.

From the moment I felt you move at 18 weeks you have not stopped moving and my little sweetheart, I am so in love with that feeling. Sometimes I feel you be-bopping around in there while I am out and about and I just giggle to myself because it’s this little secret world happening in my belly. Your Daddy loves feeling you move too. He could be across the room and I just have to tell him you are moving and he immediately stops what he is doing to come feel you. Your daddy is so in love with you. Everyday when he kisses me, he kisses my belly too and says “Hi Son. I love you.” My sweet boy, that might sound weird now but remember that when you grow up and have a wife one day. It will make her fall in love with you all over again, I promise.

I can’t believe that in 12-ish short weeks I will get to see your little face. I can’t wait to hold your hands and count your toes. I keep thinking about the moment that they will put you on my chest and I get to hold you for the first time. I bet I will definitely cry, an ugly-faced one at that. I apologize in advance that the first time we meet I will probably be a blubbering mess but it’s only because I will be overwhelmed with love. Despite being overwhelmed with love, my sweet boy, the whole child birth thing does make me a little nervous. Daddy and I spent so much time thinking about how and when you were going to get in my tummy that I never gave a lot of thought how you were going to get out. I have given it a lot of thought lately though and I have come to the conclusion that we will be just fine despite my anxiety. Women have been birthing tiny humans since Adam and Eve and this isn’t God’s first rodeo. I am confident he will get us through it. If you want though, feel free to come out pretty quick and uneventful, ok?

Your Daddy and I pray every night before we go to bed for you. We pray over your development, your growth, your health and mine and the delivery. We pray for the doctors and nurses and we pray for each other. We pray for Aunt Kristin, who will be there in the room with us and Aunt Risa who will be here the week after you are born to help. We pray for your physical health and we also pray for your emotional, mental and spiritual health. We pray for the man you are going to grow up to be. We pray God’s amazing provision over our new little family and the future God has waiting for us.

Our sweet BabyB. We are so in love with you. We hope you like the name we picked out just for you and the home we are building for our little family. We hope you are as excited as we are to do life together. I can’t promise it will be easy and I can’t promise that we won’t make mistakes as parents. I can’t promise that we won’t royally screw up at this parenting thing a time or seven or that you won’t grow up and probably need a little therapy (I am kidding about that…kinda!)🙂

Here’s what we can promise though, kid. We promise to always love you to the ends of the Earth, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond. We promise to raise you in a Christian home where you know about Jesus- who He is and why we love Him so much. We promise to always keep an open-mind about your life and how you choose to live it. We promise to teach you how to be a respectful member of society. We promise to teach you as much about the world as possible. We promise to equip you with the skills and tools you need to be a successful, respectful and honorable man in this world. We promise to listen to you, to hear you and to value you. My sweet son, I am not naive to think we will love all of the choices you may make in life but I want you to know that no matter what, we will always and forever love you. We are so excited to meet you!!!

Love, Mommy

Closing the Lights One Last Time

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We are taught to leave this world better than we found it. Nine years ago Hubbz had hair and I was rocking 24 like, well, a rockstar. We were in the midst of planning a crazy-huge Italian wedding and building what was, at the time, our dream home. 1st pic AA modest, cute little place for a semi-young couple to start off in. We watched step-by-step as our house was built. We visited often and took pictures each step of the way. We dreamed up huge dreams about what our future would hold. I look back on our 9 years here and I wonder where the time has gone. Surely it hasn’t been that long… Except it has.

This home sweet home. It’s been a place to lay our heads after long days. It’s been a place of peace when the world outside gets to be too much. It’s been a place of finding myself. It’s been a place of learning how to be a wife. It’s the place where we learned what marriage was all about. It’s where I built a life with Hubbz. It’s the place that this man I married turned into My Champion that I can’t imagine a day without. This place has been our breath of fresh air. Lazy afternoons in the hammock on the deck with our Bella. A house stuffed to the brim with holiday memories and Shark Week kickoff parties. It’s been a home full of more BBQ’s than one could ever want and a whole lot of takeout too. It’s been a place of sleepover Saturday’s with my 3 nieces and Netflix Friday nights with Hubbz. For Hubbz it’s the home that his Papa was so proud of him for building. This is the home where Hubbz and I dance in the living room and cook together in the kitchen. It’s the place we perfected the art of s’more making around the fire pit with amazing friends. It’s the place we learned to literally get on our knees and pray together. It’s the home where we learned about compromise and intentionality in marriage. It’s the home where I fell in love with Hubbz, my best friend, all over again. It’s the home where we found out we were going to be a mommy and daddy.

This modest little place. Not very big but bursting at the seams with memories. Some good, some bad, all of them ours. Leaving this home is the end of an era for Hubbz and I. We’re ending the chapter in our life together that has been all about us. The next chapter has already begun to unfold, at the center of it, a sweet little child that we have prayed so desperately for. It is so hard to move on from what we have created but at the same time, we are so excited for the future.

It is now, that the last episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air plays in my head (because that’s how my brain works.) Will is standing in the living room remembering all the memories. That lump in your throat starts to form as he walks over and turns off the lights for the last time. This moment is kinda like that- except there’s no Carlton running down the stairs with his pants around his ankles wondering where everyone went (if you have no idea what I am talking about, for the love, YouTube it. I’ll say “you’re welcome” in advance.)

I stand in our living room and look around. The house hasn’t been this empty since we moved in 9 years ago- almost to the day. This place is infused with so many memories. It’s so quiet now though. Hubbz looks over at me and asks if I am ready. I turn to leave with him but before I do, I pause and I close my eyes. I can feel his arms wrap around me and my hot tears on my cheeks. I take a deep breath and I listen. For a moment I can hear the laughter we left behind that is soaked into these walls. I thank God for the blessings this home offered us. I thank God for all of the life that happened in this home. The good and the bad all brought us to this day. I look up at him and through his own tears he says “You ready for the next chapter with me?” I nod my head yes – and with that it’s time to close the lights one last time.IMG_5200

We are taught to leave this world better than we found it. For this little plot of land in this sweet little city, we have done just that. Change has never ever been easy for me  but once again in my life, I am so humbly thankful to have had something that makes saying goodbye so difficult.

CheersDez cursiveslope

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