The “V” Word

I was deep in thought over a pile of fresh-out-of-the-dryer laundry. Our son was fast asleep for his afternoon nap and Hubbz was at the grocery store (sidenote: Ladies, marry a man that enjoys doing the grocery shopping… it is life changing. I shit you not.) Anyway, there I am deep in thought, folding the unmentionables and a thought came out of nowhere and smacked me dead in my larger-than-I’d-like Italian schnoz.

The reason I am such a Type A – perfectionist is because if I weren’t, it would leave me open to being completely and truly vulnerable at all times.

I will pause for a moment while you ruminate over that one. Try that one on for yourself while you ruminate. Can you relate? Are you like that too? Maybe you know someone who is?

I will offer you a little backstory. I think I stumbled on this revelation because as I was folding laundry I received a text. Instead of letting myself feel the love and vulnerability of the moment and be connected to the sweet human that texted- I offered a quick, sweet, canned response.

Which is totally acceptable because…#life.

Can I get a relatableAF shoutout for #busy and #doingstuff

Except…

I was so annoyed with myself. Why couldn’t I just feel the emotion of the moment and embrace the vulnerability? Someone stopped their day to connect with me. It’s such a sweet gesture that it makes my heart poop its pants a little. ♥ I realize that in most cases, my knee-jerk reaction is to not feel the emotion around a moment because sometimes it’s uncomfortable and let’s not negate the fact that vulnerability can often lead to hurt. Instead, I construct an amazing brick wall around the feelings that show up and I let the Type A – perfectionist take over. That part of my personality is great at her job! Homegirl, is expert level with those Jedi mind tricks. It has become so much of a habit and so second nature that I do it without even thinking about it… I think most of us do.

BUT WHY THO!?

Sweet humans, why are we so programmed to behave like this? In doing so, we are essentially disconnecting from others. Can I be honest and say this world is entirely too damn disconnected as it is with all of our hiding behind text messages and computer screens. I know for me, when I am letting my Type A -perfectionism take over, vulnerability gets pushed out of sight. While this is ok in some moments, there are plenty of moments where it’s actually hurting more than it’s helping. I thrive being connected, real and transparent with the people in my life. I thrive in relationships when we are able to see each other as we are… a bunch of people doing the best we can with the gifts and talents we have been given. I thrive in knowing about other people and their lives. The good and the bad. What motivates them and what their idiosyncrasies are.

I am the first to admit- vulnerability is TERRIFYING. Showing our imperfections for people to see. Admitting we don’t have it all together. Accepting the fact that we aren’t always right. Owning the truth that sometimes we suck at being human. That is all so very scary…

However.

I read somewhere that “vulnerability attracts honesty, and honesty attracts connection” This makes me ponder… is the deeper root of all of this that I/we are afraid of true and deep connection? If we are connected at a heart-level, is there room to fight over politics, religion or anything else that fills our Facebook feeds with aggression and hatred? If we are connected at a heart-level, does it level the playing field among things that try and drive us apart? If we are connected at a heart-level wouldn’t we be able to see each other as we are… a world full of people doing the best they can.

I look down at my laundry which is now in piles and neatly folded. Each pile separated into the body part they cover- socks, panties, sports bras, pants, tee shirts. Each type of clothing separate in its own pile, but when put on our body, works together to cover the entire thing. I think of each of us. All so separate in our neatly folded lives. It makes me wonder if we could learn to work together, being vulnerable and honest. Could it lead to a connection that could heal our world?

If we could open up just a little.

Put aside the urge to build walls around our hearts.

Being vulnerable, honest and truly connect with another.

Maybe we would hold a hand. 

Maybe we would touch a soul.

Maybe we would change a life.

It all begins with that “v” word…

#vulnerability