Joining The Coveted Mommy Club

I didn’t always want to be a member of the Mommy Club. For 8 years now I have been the President of the Rockin’ Auntie Club and that’s been working out juuuust fine. I must say, I take my job as Prezzy of the Rockin’ Aunites super-duper serious. Load ’em up with love on Sleepover Saturday and send them home to Mommy on Cereal Sunday… Everyone gets ice cream and everyone gets to sleep in… Win-Win all around.

A little over a year ago Hubbz and I decided it was time. Take the plunge, make some adorable little babies and change your life forever in a million ways you never dreamed. I wish I could say that I am the next Mrs. Fertile Myrtle, however that has not been the case. The journey to the coveted Mommy Club has been arduous. (I was going to use the word laborious but there is definitely a lack of labor happening, and I didn’t think the pun was appropriate… But I am laughing now so there’s that. Anyway, I digress.) It started off fun and with high hopes of bright-eyed babbling babies. A year later it’s become tiresome and taxing … I know what you are thinking, how could baby-making EVER become tiresome and taxing?! I thought the same thing before I had to start timing a good sexy romp in the sack around my ovulation cycle!

For the women who are desperately trying to get into the Mommy Club, don’t lose heart. I can confidently give you that advice because I have lost heart many many times…

I’ve lost heart for every day I’ve peed on a stick only to have it tell me I’m not ovulating. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM NOT OVULATING!? I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE ONE JOB! MY JOB IS TO OVULATE! WHAT THE H-E-L-L DO YOU MEAN I AM NOT OVULATING!? WHO MADE THESE STICKS ANYWAY?! HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY ARE RIGHT?! 99.9% ACCURATE IS NOT 100%… OH. MY. GOSH. I BOUGHT A BROKEN BOX OF STICKS! HUBBZ WE HAVE TO BUY NEW STICKS! THESE STICKS ARE BROKENNNN!

I’ve lost heart through fertility drugs that make you feel like you are L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y going crazy (a sweaty crazy woman at that… Gimme a heyyyy if you know exactly what I am talking about!) I have cried about the buckle on my sandals. Let’s take a moment to really grasp the magnitude of that last sentence. Nothing says you’re losing your marbles until you cry over a shoe… And it wasn’t even one of my cuter pairs. I have ripped Hubbz’s head directly off his shoulders because well, I don’t know how to say this so it doesn’t sound crazy but, I mean, err, he was breathing too loud. There, I said it. The man was breathing entirely too loud for my ear holes. You will be happy to know that immediately after I was the most awful wife on the face of the planet I picked up his head and reattached it… And then I grounded myself for the rest of the night to our bed with Pinterest and a bowl of ice cream. Thank God Hubbz believes in mercy and grace. Also, if you are judging me at this point in my post I invite you to imagine having PMS… On steroids… Times 100… Besides, we laugh about that now… Well, I nervous laugh about it, then I look over at him to see if he is laughing over the story yet. He usually isn’t. I’m sure one day it will be funny… Maybe. 

I’ve lost heart over many late periods and negative pregnancy tests. This is where I wish I could be funny and throw a line in here that takes the sting away from the journey to the Mommy Club… But I can’t because this is the hardest part of the journey. It’s the part that offers the most ridiculous amount of hope and excitement and leaves you crushed. This is the part where the planning and the pills and the tests and the doctor’s visits take it’s toll on your heart and your mind and your body. To want something so badly and to know that you can’t make your body cooperate. I was the girl who grew up knowing I could make my body do anything I set my mind to. I was an athlete. I could do anything. As of lately it feels like anything except this.

Since I am a silver lining girl it is imperative that I find the good in every situation no matter what. For the moments when I have lost heart I am so present to the things in my life that have helped me through.

Hubbz. That man has the ability to make me laugh when I have tears streaming down my face. When the pain is breaking my heart his love is a soothing balm. When I asked him what we would do if we never have kids he replied “We have each other and that’s the plan God has for us.” Drop the mic on that, Hubbz… Just drop the mic and exit the stage. You won the day, the month, the year, basically Hubbz, you won a whole lifetime with that answer.

My People. I have 13 of them. These are people that for years have stuck. Through the worst times in life they have done one of two things either stuck like glue or showed up when others ran out. They say if you can count your true friends on one hand you are blessed, well I need three hands… I am triple blessed.

The 9 Ladies. 39 days ago I invited 25 women to embark on a 40 day prayer circle. 9 accepted. For the past 39 days we have group texted intentions, motivations and inspirations to each other. I am confident that the prayers of these women have carried my through hard days. Life was intended to be spent with people and while I was scared of looking like a super weird Jesus Girl when I asked people if they wanted to be in my prayer circle, I am confident that I don’t want to live another day without a life circled in prayer.

My Sovereign God. I have gained and lost faith through this journey. I have gotten mad at Him and questioned Him and a time or, ahem, seven let Him know I was less than fond of his plan. Despite my own opinion I know in the gut of my heart (that’s a real place deep in your soul) that His timing is divine and His plan is only for good. I serve a God who is mighty and this journey has showed me how to surrender to His will- and perhaps more important, how to have peace and joy no matter the outcome.

To the valiant women who have gone on this journey to join the Mommy Club and faced infertility, I am in awe of you. I am in awe of your strength and your hearts. I have read blogs and stories and some of them make our time on this journey seem small. Others of you are where we are. Somewhere in the middle wondering if a little voice will ever look up at you and call you Mommy. I don’t know how this journey will end for Hubbz and I but I’m no longer ashamed or afraid to tell our story. It’s messy and it’s beautiful and it’s ours.

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7 Comments on “Joining The Coveted Mommy Club

  1. Pingback: A Glorious Slew of Throwbacks | Life... Out Loud!

  2. Desiree, I have always and will forever admire your strength, optimism and character. You are so fun to watch as the years have passed, and I am so proud of you! I can empathize with the range of emotions that accompany a longer journey toward the Mommy Club. It took a little over two years for me – and the treatments are an adventure to say the least. Chasing your dreams is always worth it, and remember “brick walls are not there to stop you; that are there to prove how badly you want something”… Hang in there!

  3. I can tell you that I understand the heartache and the anger and the crazies and all. I have been there done that. I do need to tell you a story that an old priest told me after my first miscarriage, in my first pregnancy, after 41/2 months. It is too long to type and I want to tell you that I can listen anytime you want to scream and cry. I can pray with you and for you always. I would love to help you through this journey. Mine lasted 5 years but it ended with my Fabulous daughter that you know and love. So please call me when you are alone and crazy. I will listen. Hugs and Prayers.

  4. Heyyyy because I know exactly what you’re talking about!

    I am SO glad to read about your craziness towards your husband because I thought I was the only one! Yesterday, I yelled at him because my package never arrived- because that was totally his fault, obviously. I also yelled at him for breathing too loud, or fidgeting too much, or just being in my view haha- poor guy! Thank God I married someone who is patient and understanding (but never tell him I said that :)).

  5. Sweetheart you are so brave for sharing! I have very good friends, my dearest and closet, who have gone down this same journey. While I don’t know first hand, because the Lord has blessed me with three beautiful babies, I’ve also lost one. My heart is with you. I pray that you will one day have your dream of being a mother come true, but please don’t ever lose sight of how important of a roll you are playing as an amazing aunt. This is a role that I sometimes lack because I have my own children and wish I could spend more quality time with my nephews and niece. Bless your husband’s heart for being sweet during those hormone induced moments! I get those when I’m on steroids and it isn’t pretty! Thinking of you guys and saying a prayer! Xx

  6. I love your story! Hang in there Des! That baby will come when you least expect it! You are still a loving beautiful person who gives all children in this world hugs and love. Peace be with you my friend and I’m looking forward to the invitation for the baby shower!
    XXXXOOO Jean Gonzales

  7. I’m crying. Your heart and soul are bare and it’s absolutely beautiful. I’m sorry for your pain and the trials you and “Hubbz” are going through but that man IS a fucking soldier for your love and deserves so much credit! And you- YOU are incredible! The fact that you are able to write a pithy and hilarious blog about such a heart-wrenching topic makes you my newest hero. I’m so proud of you and the incredible human you are. Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to pass it along because I know there are other women out there that need to read this. ALL my love to you both! XOXOXO ~Lisa

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