Week 18 and My Jeans Split
I tend to think mornings are super-duper annoying. That being said, I realize I live in a world where it is frowned upon to ignore people until 10am. To try and combat my loathing for waking up in the morning I came up with a little mantra that I repeat even before I open my eyeholes. “Today is going to be a great day!” I know it sounds super-cheesy but it actually works… I mean, except when it doesn’t… But it usually does.
Case in point…
I’m be-bebopping through my morning getting ready, extra thrilled to be rocking some adorable hand-me-down maternity clothes (my friends are basically AWESOME!) Pretty pumped about my outfit, I take a selfie to send to my people… Because they love bump selfies at obscene hours of the morning. I head downstairs to get my things around and decide our pup could use a little fresh San Pellegrino (side note, my dog doesn’t drink bottled water. She definitely drinks tap water but it’s way more fun to refer to it as San Pellegrino, so you can stop judging me now) Anywho! I bend over to give her a little love and get her water dish when I hear the most heart wrenching, humbling sound of my life.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP… RIIIP… Twice. Big rip followed by little rip… TWO TIMES.
I look at my dog who looks back at me slightly confused. I shake it off and pretend it didn’t happen. I stand up with her water dish and realize, my pantalones have become a wee bit drafty… Ummm Dollface that definitely happened. I go to the hall mirror and bend over only to see not one but two gaping holes in the ass of my maternity jeans.
It is here that I would like to pause and allow you to really grasp the magnitude of that last sentence. I ripped not one but two holes in the ass of MATERNITY jeans. Those are like normal sized jeans except they are specifically made for women who are carrying a little extra junk in the trunk… And I just ripped them… IN TWO PLACES.
It was at this moment I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror… I had a choice. Do I entertain the tears that are beginning to form in my eyeholes or do I blink them away, stay true to my mantra and realize I am growing a tiny human and my body is no longer medium-sized like that tag on the jeans says.
I am going to be totally honest and tell you I completely flirted with the first option. I really did start to cry. I have spent my entire adolescent and adult life trying to fit my body (and my eating habits) into a size that is petite and cute. I would be completely lying if I told you this whole gain weight while growing a tiny human thing hasn’t wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I know most women don’t talk about that… But I have to. Going to the doctor and watching that number on that scale slowly creep up causes me anxiety. Seeing stretch marks form on my skin that I have worked so hard to keep free of blemishes kinda gives me fast breath and makes me freak out a little. While I know all of this sounds ridiculously vain, I would not be authentic if I didn’t acknowledge these feelings are there.
HOWEVER… Slowly I am allowing my ideas of beauty to be changed.
I am learning that body-shaming is a horrible thing to do to yourself.
I am learning that your health matters more than your size.
I am learning that size really is just a number.
I am learning that our tiny human is blowing my idea of beauty completely to smithereens.
I am learning that being a Mama is definitely going to be one of the most humbling things I will probably ever do in my life.
I am learning that life is a series of rips in the ass of your jeans and what matters is how you handle those moments.
So here I am, no longer medium-sized with a choice to make. I looked myself in the mirror and blinked away the tears. Said outloud to myself “Today is going to be a great day!” Then I went upstairs and changed into the most comfortable capri leggings the world has ever known.
As I threw away those medium-sized maternity jeans (because after surveying the damage, there was no hope for them) I also threw away my notions of beauty and what that means. I embrace Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I look to the Lord to lead me through this new shift in how I see myself and I pray that I can get a glimpse of me as He sees me.
I am 18 weeks along and our little boy is growing bigger everyday. My body is definitely not mine anymore but a vessel for bringing our tiny human into the world. The magnitude of this takes my breath away. Today is going to be a great day, indeed!