Week 34 Meltdowns
Tonight I had a minor meltdown. It might have been the pregnancy hormones. It might have been that I am in my 8th month of growing a human. It might be that I have an amazingly fulfilling, yet very demanding job. It might be that I am pushing myself to finish up my Master’s before BabyB’s arrival. It might be that I am teaching my first college-level class at a University known all across the world. It might be that our dream home is in the process of being built. It might be that I was in the middle of folding laundry for a little boy that I have never met but I am so beyond in love with. Pick any mix of those reasons then mush them together and throw it in the air. It’s not hard to see why I had a minor meltdown.
Hubbz was at basketball and I sat on the couch my computer and work emails on one side and warm baby clothes hot out of the dryer on the other side. Our little pup was curled up and nestled in the middle of them. I sat there and I started to worry. I became so overwhelmed by the to-do lists and the timeframe I have to do them in. Overwhelmed by the unknown of when and in what manner this little boy is going to come into the world. I am a planner and well, you can’t really plan when a child is going to grace you with his presence or how the delivery will go. All of this overwhelmed me, and I cried. It’s cool though- I own it… And then, of course, I write about it.
I knew I couldn’t sit there and cry all night, so I did what I know to do. I texted some of my people- just the ladies tonight because the guys wouldn’t necessarily understand. The ladies responded in full-force with encouraging words, prayers and love. Then my one lady, the lady of all ladies, my Mama, responded with her usual incredible wisdom. She didn’t say a lot- she didn’t need to. Mama’s words of wisdom usually pack a punch. She reminded me to pray. I shook my head at myself. Prayer should be my first go to but so many times it’s my last resort. Prayer seems like such a little thing- but it’s a thing that changes the world.
I pushed the baby clothes over to the side and closed my computer and work emails. I laid back on the couch, closed my eyeholes and began to pray.
God. There is so much to do. The timing of everything is so right now and yesterday. The to-do lists keep growing and the demands of life aren’t letting up. In my human frailty I can’t do it all God. I can’t keep it all running smooth. At some point, I am going to drop a ball here. I need some help God. I need a little divine intervention on this one. God I surrender it all to you because the more I hang on to it the more it’s like sand falling from my clenched fists. I surrender my life to you. I give you my worries, my fears, my anxious mind, the unknowns of the future. I gladly hand them over to you because you handle them all much better than I do. And if we are being totally honest, when I hang on to it all, left to my own devices, I jack it all up. So God, you put all this in my life to bless me and I surrender to you to get me through it all. Bigger than getting through it though, help me to get through it with grace and enjoyment and a smile on my face. Help me to not just get through but really feel it in my bones the blessings you have put in front of me. It’s so easy to focus on the to-do’s and the get-through’s but it’s another to focus on what they mean and the magnitude behind them. God I am so grateful for it all. In the same breath, I can’t wait to hold my baby boy and have all the to-do’s accomplished for just a moment. In my human frailty I rely on you, God. My sweet Redeemer. The Creator of it all. I surrender to you.
With a deep breath I open my eyes. The laundry is still there. My work emails still awaiting responses. The deadlines still looming. My circumstances haven’t changed- Yet I am at peace. I am at peace knowing He’s got this. I am at peace knowing it’s too much for me to handle and do on my own, so He’s got this.
He’s so got this.
And if He’s got me, surely He’s got you too.
All you have to do is let Him.