The Guy in the Boat

An event happened in my life recently that caused me serious angst. The event itself isn’t important but the emotion around it and what it revealed is profound. It’s in this emotion that healing and a little revelation happened. It changed my perspective and it’s my hope that by sharing it, maybe it will help you in whatever you are going through right now. In true “life out loud” fashion, here is a glimpse into my psyche.

God, I just can’t even with you right now.

By the time I reach the highway my emotions went from sadness and hurt to bat-shit, cray-cray anger… Cute, I know.

God, I am S-U-P-E-R-D-U-P-E-R mad at you and by S-U-P-E-R-D-U-P-E-R mad what I mean is that this is bullsh*t.

And there I drove, for the next 26 miles, having a knock-down, drag-out fight with God. My end of the conversation went on for longer than I would like to admit and the God of the Universe stayed silent… He wasn’t ignoring me- I think He was just waiting for me to shut up… I didn’t. I was in a horrible mood the rest of the day. I went through the motions of life wrestling with my feelings. Balancing being a grateful, fun, happy Mommy and Wife with a realization that in life, 100% of the time, though I pretend I am super in control, I really don’t know how any of this is going to turn out.

Later that night, Baby Toddler B is fast asleep and Hubbz is at basketball. I lay in bed with a book I am reading. I come across the story in the Gospel of Mark where Jesus calms the storm. Jesus is in a boat with his disciples. A storm rages but Jesus is asleep and the disciples freak out. They wake him up and say “Teacher don’t you care if we drown?” Jesus gets up and calms the storm completely. He looks at the disciples and says “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” #DropTheMicJesus

I literally sat up in bed and put my hands over my face. I took a deep breath and shook my head at my humanity.

One little word in Jesus’ response pierces me right in the gut of my soul. “Do you still have no faith?” STILL? After everything He took us through- a marriage that fell apart then put back together, infertility that broke my soul then healed it, a career and education journey that I still can’t believe is my story- did I still have no faith? Jesus may have been talking to His disciples but the words he spoke so long ago echo true to me… I felt like through this story he was saying “Desireé, dear girl, do you still have no faith? After everything I have carried you through, do you still have no faith?”

Jesus has the power to calm the storm… ANY. STORM. He has the power to calm the raging storms that threaten to capsize our lives. The ones that come out of nowhere and the ones that we see coming from a mile away. The ones that seem too big to handle. The ones that we don’t think we can get through. That thing that keeps you up at night stealing your joy and sleep. The thing you fight with your spouse over. That thing with your kid that you just can’t get right. That thing that worries you in the back of your mind through your workday. Jesus is powerful enough to calm the storm. He’s waiting for us to call out to Him so He can show us His glory.

Jesus is in the boat… WITH. US. I almost fell out of bed at this realization. I also felt so foolish. How is it not ingrained in my soul that Jesus is in the boat too? OF COURSE He is in the boat. He is there every single step of the way. In good and bad. On the mountain top and in the valley. He is there. The God who made us will never leave us or forsake us. He is the Jesus that carried us through the moments when we couldn’t carry ourselves. We never have to look beyond the boat to find Him. He is always with us- until the very end of the age.

I take a deep breath and lay back in bed. I click off the light on my nightstand and I close my eyes. As I lay there in the dark I can feel a peace come over me that surpasses my own human understanding. God’s got this.

My sweet friends and loyal readers, you know that thing that is nagging at your soul? That thing, that situation that keeps you up at night? The thing in your life that you try to hide and keep secret? The thing you know that if people found out, your cover would be blown and your life would never be the same? That thing- that situation- that if it would just go away and resolve itself, your life would be great… I promise you friend, as sure as I am writing these words, God’s already got it. All we have to do is lay it at the foot of the cross. It sounds hokey and weird… I get it! I thought that once too… Until I hit rock bottom and realized in a last-ditch effort that all I could do was lay my junk at the foot of the cross. Know what happened? God showed up. Apparently sometimes he’s just waiting for us to relinquish control from our bloody-white knuckled grip we like to have on life. He waits patiently while we rant at Him. He waits patiently for us to shut up… when we finally do, we make room for God to show up. He’s already in boat with us. He’s already in our lives along for the ride. All we have to do is keep the faith and then call on Him.

I hope today you hear something in this for you.

Maybe even a tiny truth that resonated with you.

Maybe a tiny truth that will take root and one day set your soul free.